i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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