i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
