Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
