i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
