It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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