i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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