Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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