what day is it and did you see me today?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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