He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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