You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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