I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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