i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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