hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Randomize
