I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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