I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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