imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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