why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
