dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
