you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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