so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
