my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
