I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
