Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
