so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
