all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
