I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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