sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
