He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
