I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
