someone get that fucking seahorse.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
