Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
