You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
