Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
The ass gains better be worth it
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