so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
