I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
