1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
why do cheetos always look like penises
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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