Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
