You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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