it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
