Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My vagina is officially offended.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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