i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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