who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
