im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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