Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
honey bunches of taint.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
a search helicopter?!
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
