The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
