I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
