dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
