mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
