I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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