What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
