There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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